So I’m soaking up some heat in my bathtub right now, unwinding after a wonderful vacation to the sunny state of Florida. After tucking my kiddos to sleep, and telling my man not to wait up, I immediately grabbed a bottle of wine, my last local paper, my few magazines & catalogs, and of course, my dumb phone, and rushed into my sanctuary—my bathtub filled to the top with steaming hot water and bubbles.
After a week long vacation with my family, and specifically my two kiddos under 3, and a long 12 hour drive home today, I’ve been dreaming for about 48 hours now of getting my old bones in this tub.
So, after a couple hours of soaking here and working through my stack of reading material, I jumped on my phone and noticed one of my notifications was the “you have memories from this day…” -type of notifications. And I was very much surprised to find that I posted pics from my last Florida vacation (4 years ago) on this same day back in 2011. I remember laughing with my then boyfriend (now husband), that we had to go on vaca to the beach before we took the next step in our relationship, because I couldn’t marry a man that couldn’t chill on the beach at least once a year. (Btw, clearly that was a bad test, because we haven’t been back for 4 years, and he can’t relax? anywhere)…
But anywho, as I scroll through those pics, I was surprised at how many of my pictures were of scenery—over 90% were scenery and not of us! So I sat here contemplating why that was… And after a few minutes of digging through old memories, I don’t know why I was surprised at all. See, at that point in my life my footing was not stable— I was just coming out of a divorce and a few bad rebound-relationships. And despite weighing much less, having perfectly manicured nails, and days filled with beer drinking & zero-worries, I have to admit I felt pretty empty and unsure of my next step. But really at a time I should’ve been snapping selfies like crazy, I was taking pictures of the passing dinner cruise ships and sunsets.
Now going into this vacation, I’ll admit I spent way too many hours worrying about not having my body “beach-ready” after baby #2, vs. just coming out of my 2nd fitness competition 4 years ago and walking everywhere in my bikini with utter confidence?
And it is true, that on this trip I spent many hours awake after midnight because of sick kids and feedings vs. hitting cool beach bars and listening to late night music on the water 4 short years ago….
And also on this trip I spent most of my day correcting my toddler, changing butts, breastfeeding in public (the horror?), and continuously hauling “unused” beach gear back and forth between our condo and the beach vs. day drinking on the beach all day without a care in the world 4 years ago…
But my pictures say it all. Scenery back then, and 5,000,000 family moments now. Clearly my life was empty and scary back then. And I know I have plenty of friends, family, and acquaintances, who would’ve hated the vacation we just took, due to all the parenting moments we encountered. But all I know is my heart is full, and the memories we created were ones I will cherish forever. I love that my husband and I got to spend this time with my parents and our kiddos on the beach making memories before we hit a new phase of our lives—whether that be kids growing up, parents or us moving, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my life is perfect, it is far from that. But I love my current situation. Complicated, repetitive, exhausting, argumentative, embarrassing (lots of CJ pee in the pool moments), but ALL mine. I choose my current exhausting life over my old easy, picture-ready life, any day.
So I’m lying here all alone in my bathroom, scolding myself for rushing into this secluded setting, after having a very blessed trip. I’m old enough now, with as many fumbles as touchdowns under my belt, to know not to count on tomorrow… That I should enjoy each moment like it is my last. So I’ll spend the last few minutes of my own demanded solitude, praying and thanking God for continued blessings, unanswered prayers, and my messy, chaotic, love-filled life.
