At 5 pm yesterday, my jeep tires hit the gravel drive, flinging rocks as I reversed up next to the shed. I rolled down my window and gave some “pleasant” parting words to my husband, and then sped away down the driveway as fast as my wheels would carry me.
Five minutes later, I was on the couch of one of my best friends. It took about a half second of me trying to act like everything was fine, before I started sobbing. For the next hour I vented to her, explaining how difficult life had become in the last 10 days. After that hour, I finally started to relax, feeling the pressure that had built up inside me that afternoon finally start to subside. She and I then watched a scary movie (one of my favorite pastimes), laughing and shrieking together, while I knocked back a couple soothing cocktails.
I pulled back in my garage around 8 pm. I walked into our home; the war zone that I had just barely escaped from that afternoon. As I opened the door leading into the kitchen, everything looked much differently than how it did when I left a few hours earlier. Rooms that were previously covered in dishes, sticky-stuff, toys, broken-dolls, trash, half-eaten snacks, and crinkled papers, were now straightened up and clean. Kids that were fighting and crying and talking back and throwing tantrums, were now sitting pleasantly at the table with their dad doing their homework. I hated to interrupt the moment, but softly asked my husband to accompany me outside. A man who would normally give me a hard time about that request, quietly got up and followed me out to the garage like a beaten dog and got in my jeep with me.
I spent the next 30 minutes (out of the earshot of my kiddos) trying my best to explain to him what my last couple of weeks were like. Why I had fled our home tonight, like I was being chased by an angry mob, for a few hours of peace and quiet and sanity. Why I need his help differently than I have in the past.
This was my first COVID breakdown. This was hopefully my only COVID breakdown.
I have had friends tell me about their COVID emotional breakdowns regularly over the last couple weeks. Some friends have opened up to me about their anxieties about the virus. Some friends have talked to me how they are going stir-crazy and that the restrictions are stressing them out. Some are struggling with dealing with homework requirements at night. Some are stressed because they can’t work now, based on their profession/location. Some have lost their jobs or have had their hours cut back significantly. Some are worried about losing their homes because they aren’t making any money now. Some are too worried to visit anyone or anyplace and are lonely. Some are worried about the parents, their families, their friends.
Regardless of their situations, this time is hard. It. Is. Hard.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are so many silver-linings to this wonderful slow-down in life we are experiencing right now. I feel so lucky to be sharing more moments with my babies… more snuggles, more sunsets, more sunrises, more homework time, more wakeups, more laughing. There’s less rushing them around, less hurrying them through tasks in the morning, less cutting them off to push them into their car seat so we aren’t late for school. I can tell you I have appreciated all these simple yet amazing silver-linings, and have breathed in all of the moments I would’ve normally been too busy to notice.
Regardless, this time is hard. It. Is. Hard.
And all of our hards are slightly different from each other. All of our situations vary slightly from the person next to us. My hard is unique to most of the people I work with or am friends with… unique in one way or another. I am able to work from home. My job can be done from my laptop on my couch any day of the year. I have been working from home a couple days a week for the last year, so this change was not stressful to me. So I am currently working full time from home. My job requires almost non-stop zoom meetings throughout the day. It’s a stressful, competitive position and I love it. My situation also involves the decision I made to keep my kiddos home. Their school is closed, and I decided instead of finding a babysitter, I wanted to keep them protected away from others by keeping them home with me. My situation involves my kiddos being 4 yo and 6 yo. My situation involves my husband having to work at a plant where essential work is done. So that is my situation—I work from home fulltime in a relatively stressful position, with 2 little young kids, and with my husband out of the house 12 hours a day.
I can attest, that my personal situation has been really hard. Not harder than anyone else…. But hard. I feel pressure to be an amazing homeschool teacher (or in the very least a good mother). I feel pressure to be a strong employee, driving change & improvement in this chaotic time. What I was finally able to put into words for my husband last night was:
This isn’t a situation where I am at home with my babies getting to enjoy them all day, and teach them, and experience new things with them, and laugh with them.
This is me working on my computer all day long while I shoo my kids away, because my colleagues are looking at me through the screen expecting me to be clear and to deliver.
This is me working for a company where there is tremendous risk and pressure and opportunities and changes… all depending on my work effort, intelligence, and focus…. more now than ever.
This is me having to work more hours than I have ever worked, into the evening, into the weekends, and anytime I have the chance to catch up.
This is my children seeing me at home, wanting to interact with me at home, and being pushed away for most of the day.
This is me trying to think through complex business issues, while my kids rush into the room that I’ve locked myself into…. me yelling at them to go away…. and then trying to remember where my brain was a few minutes ago, when I had a solution right on the tip of my tongue.
This is my children seeing me on zoom and wanting to be on zoom too. Therefore, this means as many times as they can, they will try and come in and put their hands or toys or face in front of my work screen.
This is me feeling like a failure as an employee because I can sense irritation from co-workers when my kids interrupt YET another important meeting.
This is me dealing with certain co-workers who do not have children, who can’t comprehend the depths of embarrassment these interruptions bring to parents…. and these co-workers responding with rushed responses of frustration or careless comments like #lifechoices.
This is me trying to set-up a perfect schedule, with crafts, and fitness breaks, and a couple small talking breaks, and Pinterest-motivating kid rewards, and lots of snacks, and scheduled nap time…. Only to realize these activities only happen when there is someone in charge.
This is me, between meetings, trying to keep up with stay-at-home-moms, who post perfect pictures on the classroom FB page of their kids doing their homework, building legostructures, and playing dress-up.
This is me trying to get my kids on their classroom zooms, so my girls can participate in school activities, while I am trying to juggle attending my own zoom at the same time in the other room.
This is me accepting that my children will be unattended all day. Unsafely unattended all day. Unsafely and destructively unattended all day.
This is me realizing that by 2 pm, my darling littles will have put up with their mother telling them to leave the room for 6 hours straight and will finally take matters into their own hands to get my attention—-because they are 4 and 6, after all.
This is me realizing that when they take matters into their own hands, they will start hitting, and crying, and fighting, and breaking things, and putting markers on furniture, and tearing up homework, etc. Anything they can think of to get their mother to pay attention to them.
This is me not being in charge. This is me pretending to be in charge, while I have 80% of my brain on my screen, and the other 20% hoping my children are fending for themselves.
This is a mother… a grown-arse woman…. making the scary choice of keeping her girls home to keep them safe… and praying that this is a better decision to keep them safe from this virus, than to actually physically keep them in an unattended home.
In 10 days of this set-up, these kids have definitely gotten into things where they could get hurt (glass, kitchen scissors, on top of furniture, etc.), they have wandered out the side door out to the country road by themselves (luckily our neighbor was there to talk to them), and they have hurt each other when they are fighting.
And so, as I cried to my husband last night, I explained this isn’t like any parenting situation I have ever been involved in or exposed to before.
This is like parenting ... with a blindfold on…. with my hands tied behind my back.
So, there is a big part of me that has to wonder—-Is this the right solution? I honestly have no idea. And when I have talked to all of my closest friends and family members, they don’t know either. Separately they are straight forward questions:
- Should I stay employed during this crazy economic time—of course.
- Should I work from home to protect myself? Duh… yes.
- Should I keep my kids home with me to protect them —-not with my elderly parents, not with a random babysitter? Yup, again.
But when you combine these Q&As… I’m fuzzy if I’ve taken the right path. No one I know has ever been in this situation before. I just don’t know.
But I do know some things:
So as I walked my dogs this morning around the lake, I prayed like I do every morning. I prayed for patience. I prayed for guidance. I prayed that my decision to keep them in our home during this scary time is the right decision for them, for me, for our family, for my job, for their safety.
If you believe in prayer, I’d ask you to sneak one in for me & mine tonight…. And I’ll do the same for you.
Stay safe out there, friends.