Month: September 2018

There’s a raw moment when you experience the feeling of being alone.

And not meaning just being absent of other humans.

But more the feeling of not one human in your current situation caring if you exist or not.

I have felt this way in every level of school (at different times), grade school on up.

I have felt this way in the company of certain friends & family members.

I have felt this way at random parties & get togethers.

I have felt this way at work.

And I have felt this way in my marriage. Both marriages.

There is a very scary realization that feels like it is crashing down on me at this age. I keep processing the thought ——Once my parents are no longer with us, who will really care if I exist? Who will remember my birthday? Who will ask me about my day? About my feelings? Who will say, “You sound sick, you should go home early and take it easy?”

Yes, the first thing everyone responds is, “Well your children will, and your husband will.” And to some extent that is true. But let’s be honest, I’m a long way away from my children asking me how my day was and truly caring about the answer. And although my husband cares, it’s a different style of caring than how I was raised. My parents worry about me traveling or driving through unsafe areas or if I sound stressed. They recognize when I’m not in my comfort zone and they put their arms around me in one way or another. Whereas, my husband shows his love through acts of service vs. all that “mushy-stuff”.

I’ve found that as I’ve reached this particular age, my oldest & closest friends have gotten too busy or are too far away to know when when I’m struggling with something in life. We’ve ended up growing older … apart from each other, so now the friends who you could call and vent to don’t really get you anymore.

I see moms struggle with this a lot, as we become so involved in all the child-activities we have. Before you know it, we don’t recognize the person looking back at ourselves in the mirror.

I’m at that point in my life. I’ve grown up, and in doing so I love who I am. I have more flaws than I care to admit, but I truly know what I like, how I want to spend a lazy day, what I’d do with 1 free hour to myself, and where & how I want to relax. And the somewhat sad epiphany I’ve stumbled on by knowing myself so well now, is I now know there is no one I know of that can spend 24 hours with me doing exactly what I consider fun. I’ve got lots of girlfriends, and go on lots of girls trips, but during most nights out or girl trips at some point I find myself wishing I was with someone who really knew me. Not the serious-work-version of me. Not the crazy-party-girl version of me. The real me.

How do we get here? How do we get from being Most Popular in high school with more friends you can count to feeling utterly alone?

I’m not someone who is or has been depressed in life, but this does worry me about what human connection I will have later in life.

Where do we end up as we get older? The attention I get for being young (ish) and vibrant (ish) will soon fade. People won’t just start up conversations with me.

What will I become?

And who will care?

Soooo, what does this mean? I don’t cry myself to sleep at night. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t need help.

1. I need my friends, even long lost ones. I need them. I need them to realize every once in awhile they need to push past their busy lives and make time to reconnect. A phone call can change everything. It’s easy to think you have drifted so far that it won’t matter…. ummm, it will.

2. I need God and Church. There’s a feeling of strength and calmness that comes over me when I go to Church. I have faith, and that faith has always shown me what direction to take:)

3. And I need a dog. After my chihuahuas passed away when they were 14, I swore off dogs because their death almost killed me. But there is a closeness pets can bring that erase all those scary moments of being alone. A dog loves you with a different kind of love you don’t get from people.

So, if you can relate to #1 & #2, don’t forget how to use these resources to help your life quality & the life quality of your closest friends! We are all in this together…

And lastly, I ask that you please not tell my husband about #3…. I’m gonna have to pull something sneaky there….